Why redefining your worth is so darn tricky

One of the most common challenges I hear from the powerful, driven women I work with is a deep desire to redefine their worth. They struggle with old, worn-out ideas of where worth comes from and how to measure it, especially as their lives shift around them with family, kids, and career changes. They want to reclaim worthiness for themselves outside of their childhoods, society, or systemic pressures on women. 

The ceaseless tirade of worthiness thoughts goes like this:
"I'm a grown-ass woman; why do I care so much about what other people think of me?"
"I lost my job, and I've lost all my confidence."
"I forget my worth when I don't have a consistent pay cheque." 

So, with all these big questions and a desire to shift the worth monologue, why is it so hard to redefine it?

How worth shifts over time 
Let's take a trip back through my worthiness time machine as a place to start. 

Teens
- Clean room 
- Good grades
- Not getting sick
- Making the starting line-up
- Invites to weekend parties

20's 
- Promotions
- Fancy titles
- Raises
- Control
- Power 

30's
- Emotional regulation, physical, spiritual and mental well-being
- Access to joy, play, curiosity, connection and presence 
- Financial independence 
- Growth, purpose and being challenged

Yup, my definition of worth has shifted massively over the decades. This is normal as we grow and learn more about our own values outside of what we're taught. 

External vs. internal worth
My teens and 20s were almost entirely dedicated to proving my worth for external validation, especially through parents, school, and sports. This was exhausting, to say the least. I was endlessly seeking and striving at the expense of my well-being. 

Worth in my later 30s is derived mainly from internal validation, but I still swing toward external validation whenever I'm caught in thought loops of fear and worry. I still struggle with letting go of societal validation, especially after walking away from a big job and paycheque to return to school and launch a start-up. 

Okay, so there's internal and external validation? Where do we go from here with redefining worth? 

There are no good or bad measurements of worth
As I look back through my timeline of worth, I've realized that worth can be derived from both external and internal validation. Neither is intrinsically bad or good, but it pays to be aware of where it's coming from. We so often want to polarize ideas and labels, but in my experience, this leaves us in a battle that is never won. Hence why, redefining worth is hard.  

At specific points in our lives, we may be more influenced by external means of measurement, and that's okay. I still care about how I look to others, what people think of me, and being able to make enough money to have a good life. 

The truth is, we live in a world full of external pressures, and that pressure is never going away, no matter how much I grow or learn to regulate my nervous system. I'm still human and always will be succeptible to external forces of validation. 

On the other hand, my internal worth is set by me and me alone. That's good news and bad news. Sometimes, I'm really good at listening to my own cheerleader and other times this is a whole lot harder. 

But here's the thing—we can learn to acknowledge both our internal intrinsic worthiness and external chatter and, through awareness, choose which one to listen to. 

Your embodied leadership takeaway
So the next time you feel the "I'm not worthy" tape playing on repeat and you feel yourself getting small and stuck, pause to ask yourself, "Where is this story coming from?" 

And give yourself some darn grace to be influenced by external definitions of worthiness while holding your internal worth as the real truth above all. That's true worthiness.